ANCHORITE
by
Lawrence Gray
Last brick in place just a hole for the food to come in waste
to go out light for day dark for night pallet on floor kneel during day lie
during the night notebook and pencil to record thoughts all I need for the soul
of a righteous man is the throne of God concentrate on what is important nothing
will distract world of temptations strange that world made that way test of our
rectitude.
What is temptation and what is not hard to tell guides
written in scriptures handed down by tradition spoken by authority hard to
interpret must concentrate consider all possibilities.
We are imperfect will be forgiven though why we were made
imperfect why we have to be tested why the world was strewn with traps hard to
say would be cruel hateful some times the father must chastise the child but
should he torment the child first then chastise it for its being tormented hope
to find the answers to these questions.
In the night a dream devil said leave said beg to be let out
but I stated in my contract should I beg to leave it will be the devil not me I
am glad the struggle has begun so soon.
Asked the Devil why he punishes evil if he is the enemy of
God stupid question for how can one get the correct answer from the Devil will
tell you anything whereas God will tell you nothing he is not a whisper not a
voice nearer than one’s own soul made from the very substance of God known
without voice if one lets it be known.
Patience is necessary in one’s vow for in that one shall
keep one’s soul.
Many demons only one entity divine indivisible has become
flesh as the son not the father saints are not gods have the essence of the
holy live forever plead our case.
Fear I know so little might commit great error best not to
think simply obey do what betters tell us though they can be false too lead us
into error but it is error to question error not to.
Must sacrifice the body if need so martyr ourselves others
will follow ask the question whether right or wrong question whether vanity though
vanity and sincerity not tests of truth tests of character.
To be correct and vain fate worse than any other revels in
adulation truly beyond reproach if one allows others to steal the acclaim all
such benefits in this world heaped upon them will be taken in next all the more
painful.
Seek a vision to confirm for all that next world is true
though confirmation may itself be devil in disguise and believe is the test without
confirmation a torture beyond which may also be a desire to establish by
contrast the greater glory and glory seeking is vanity.
It is these confusions I fear are errors should eradicate
them for God made us loves us keeps and if a wretch like me can be made aware
others will be blessed.
Only the devil seems to know I am here I am not safe there
is no safety that is safe to be safe is to be lost that is attachment not good
for all is impermanent forever lost life everlasting ever after all there is
never life before.
Those who say it is wrong are idolatrous with gods as
statues where our statues are but saints the Holy Mother Son of God all cycles
forever how can we be certain?
I age for certain but no certainty thought it would increase
without distraction vanity to wonder how I look it matters not how I look will
forget how I looked.
My hands are not clean so much dirt comes in through the
holes unless I am dirt I am dust corrupt evil what I see in the dark maybe uncertainty
for certain are these my wounds my sufferings my signs growing fingernails that
I bite and chew my wounds I do to myself out of vanity to become symbol evoke
faith in others it is vain must be hidden away forgotten it is all for me this
hellish privilege will save only me not what I intended.
Waking in the night do not know which night mark my days by entries
here I fear making entries all errors not the thing my thoughts about the thing
lead me to errors have no one to judge do not trust own judgement one word a
day all I can trust one true word a day and aeons fall between.
Perhaps it is trust in my judgement I seek do not know hope
for enlightenment know poverty lack of attachment to world is path reduce you
to nothing but fear and helplessness.
Not poor not unattached am fed should starve to
enlightenment what that is do not know allowed this because did not know
because asked too much because only one authority could trust would be met here
should be release from prison of existence not unlike prisons of world where
men become angry bitter know only fear isolation and escape for home live in
nightmares hoping to be home knowing no home cannot go back in their eyes what
God must see feel for our suffering is his made by him suffers as his creation
suffers as his creation is of him but not him.
Euphoria happiness ecstasy in the light of the Lord desire
by other means desire not to have desire is desire and lust not far from being
desire and desire not far from being lust meaningless here no worse than
anything else created for us stolen by us a forbidden fruit in the garden
offered in paradise this lust for enlightenment this desire to bask in the
glory the light the virgins the music only in Hell lust is denied pleasure is
denied.
Pleasure a distraction from power glory truth ask so much answered
so little sacrifice so much but should not feel the sacrifice that is
attachment vanity a claim on specialness we are nothing special humility saving
grace.
All every little thing special looked upon not a soul
unaccounted for folly to think one can ever know the truth be at one with the
all powerful all seeing all knowing eye the minds eye ego’s eye therefore false
for there can be no ego.
All feelings that saints and wise men claim to be bliss but
lust even lust for pain suffering is but lust am straying into error upon error
wonder why so hard for me so easy for unquestioning others who will die for
this kill for this care not for thought only what moves their heart their
passions they know to be right all seems so wrong.
My plate is empty have I eaten was it ever filled is not
clean dry stuck with crust of dried juice licked to see and there it is the
faint flavour lust after more not what should be happening should be taken from
me cried out in the night one night long time ago perhaps they should not feed
me let me fast then return with small tasteless morsels sustain me not enough
to satiate me satisfy me be forever hungry help one strive to achieve ultimate
goal without need of temporal things of dead animals to sustain us but then
these others were there for us look like they feel must be the devils work came
as a snake not a temptress normally not condemned as some beasts cloven hoofed
beasts evil beasts too were made part of everything the scheme the plan the
will the intention beyond my comprehension in error again.
They have changed my carers they do not whisper my name
glance by the hole in the wall a brief shadow then go cannot know if they even
remember I am here I should not care I required this needed it have it am
grateful for my errors will not harm them.
This may be some time since my last entry it is a day in the
book time stretches contracts mark it by the entries mark it by the food trays told
them to send them at irregular intervals so that I do not count on them so that
the fear of absolute poverty of starvation of being totally alone will help me
concentrate on what is left the only truth.
They might have accepted that it was the devil that spoke
told them not to trust what I said suddenly they trusted they too are
controlled by the devil maybe God who created everything his jailor there to
punish the evil have said this before or thereabouts have no new thoughts
thankfully hungry read the last words those are the devils not mine surely not
mine hunger is a taskmaster whipping me on only the one thought whereas his son
took away everyone else’s sins he only took away my last meal.
No new thoughts the end is obtaining absolute wisdom oneness
knowledge time unchanging timeless truth same forever only here do things
change in an instant forever the truth the lack of truth consistency ever
ongoing process that scientists speak of the reiterations cascades of numbers energies
that can do nothing but burst into flame again and again rumble on thunderously
forever into the cold flat empty black light of no time no place until mind
comprehends then what light snuffs out again awake in the dark again sleep in
the light?
A noise pulsing blood in my own veins the drains of the
monastery remember where they are should have chosen to be blindfolded taken
somewhere unknown maybe I was I am dreaming but kidnapped held hostage
forgotten details the pain too great so here with the scriptures only in them longing
and struggle and war and plague but a shadow of the true book written in God’s
mind unquestionable by those who have no authority to question it but it will
yield the answer reveal secrets yet it has not.
Prayers silent whispering words become nothing fall asleep am
asleep have always been asleep wonder in the darkness if I ever awake did not
feel that I could be unless at one with everything.
This was more than for myself was wrong selfish no
compassion accuse myself judge myself judge those who bring me my tray those
who do not bring me my tray should leave judging to others should but kneel and
wish for better things for everyone for that is what all the prayers in the
world sound like wishes for better things for health wealth pain free days not
to be forsaken left without hope yet it all seems more hopeless relying on prayers
cook my own dinner if I did not have others to rely on who are not there any
more do not listen to my prayers.
Had to count the entries felt a need so few dreamt I had
made many perhaps someone comes in my sleep takes them away removes the errors
leaves only the errors for me to correct cannot correct them they take my
corrected errors away for they too are errors do they remove the errors or
leave the errors do they know which is which why do they not tell me?
I am thankful they are considering me enough to remove the
errors of my ways cannot be alone whether they are there or not should not
leave me alone here one should find all that one truly needs in the air they
would have me breath despite it not being what I would call air.
Been looking for my pencil for some time do not know how I
lost it for when I found it was where I must have put it in the dark again miss
the light always seems dark try to stay awake for the light then it comes but
the light will go as the dark will my thoughts run away from me.
Noticed confusion wonder if in confusion the thing I seek
speaks why it should speak I do not know speak or give visions is not all the
world can be not all the all of creation can be must be something beyond in the
numbers count my days they are my days.
This is wrong should have no attachments to time or place
have been writing Day when it was Night not correct what I seek is truth reality
then does it matter if it is light or dark am no longer attached to such things
might be good but attachment to non-attachment is attachment the same
attachment I must not exist must let what it is be what it is must accept the darkness
the last brick in the wall the last sound the end of it all building on the
bridge of the world when all else is unknown.
Do not know the words that are words that are but sounds
that are no sounds that are merely written privilege given to written words is
wrong and to be spoken is wrong and to all sounds all sights but this is wrong
and being is incommunicatible making progress in the dark in the night in the
day without voice without opening of lips directly to the soul.
Pencil worn out finished one word one year one year ten
years no word good enough no mark blank black sheet forever no more one more
one more truth lie know not good enough never enough never sharper always
blunter one sharp stab forever blunter snapping shaving till gone forever no
marker to mark with.
